Lovett School issued the following announcement on Feb. 10.
Valentine’s Day means different things for many different people. For some, it’s a day to celebrate the love you have for your partner or your close friendships. But for others, it’s a day full of dread. Maybe it’s because they don’t have a significant other. Or it could be that they don’t know how to reveal their secret lover to their parents. Regardless, Valentine’s Day isn’t a day that celebrates everyone’s love, at least when it comes to most of what we see in the media. And as much as things have changed over time, when it comes to school, whether it’s PDC or Prom or couples in the hallway, what we see primarily is heterosexual love.
Last week, I met with Sarah Dowling, one of the senior leaders of PRISM. As we began to talk, Sarah made clear that she’s speaking only from the perspective of a bisexual-identifying person. The LGBTQ+ community encompasses many different identities, so making a general statement based on her sole perspective would misrepresent the vast diversity of the community.
Personally, I don’t get overjoyed on February 14th each year. Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything more than an average loaded homework night, and maybe my favorite candy (watermelon Sour Patch Kids, FYI). Sarah had a similar take when I asked what Valentine’s Day meant to her: “It’s lost its meaning over time. I’ve never been in a relationship over Valentine’s Day, so I’ve never gotten that movie moment or anything…it feels like just another day.”
While V-Day, in a traditional sense, is celebrated as the day of love, it carries a different significance for Sarah. February 14th this year marks four years since the school shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Since that day, Sarah says V-Day has “taken on a whole new meaning.” However, she does try to treat herself and others on this day. Last year, she took herself book shopping—which I’ve never heard someone do. Her parents usually give her a card and some candy, which is normally what my parents do also (cue those Sour Patch Kids).
Next, I asked what her ideal date might look like. “Since I rock climb, my dates always end up being outdoors,” she said. Sometimes she’ll grab lunch with her date, and they just end up talking. But in her words: “I kind of like it when you don’t have a super-set plan, because it feels more natural.”
I don’t think there’s a single V-Day movie list on the internet that doesn’t include The Notebook. According to very popular movie culture (and the OnLion’s own V-Day survey), The Notebook with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams is a “must-see” movie. It’s so raved about in popular culture, that I think we forget the influence it has had on the movie industry, and on our own lives. The movie is great, but it is one in a long line of romantic movies that are heteronormative.
It’s this sort of Romeo & Juliet storyline that the advertising and movie industry follow. And because of this, Romeo & Romeo, Juliet & Juliet, and other LGBTQ+ storylines are underrepresented and do not get their just time in the limelight. I asked Sarah what her go-to V-Day movie is, and she said, “I don’t ever end up watching very many romantic movies that have a happy ending or good LGBTQ+ representation. You really only get one or the other. I’d say Love, Simon…is such a feel-good movie for me…Call Me By Your Name and Portrait of a Lady on Fire are also great movies;, however, I don’t know how appropriate they are.”
The fact is that heteronormativity has been so normalized that people are generally not intentionally ignoring the limited representation in their media. But that doesn’t mean that those limitations are painful for people not part of the majority. “It’s the cultural aspect and expectation of it all,” Sarah says.“ There is very much an ideal that goes along with Valentine’s Day, and it’s so often a heterosexual couple. And so that’s what you think of…that’s just the expectation.” To this point, the media’s representation of members of the LGBTQ+ community is often either non-existent, consists of stories told by people not in the community, or falls into very stereotypical and harmful tropes. “It goes beyond Valentine’s Day…Growing up as a kid, before I knew my sexuality, I always thought of it as just a man and a woman. Think of Disney movies, they’re relatively harmless, but it’s the same princess and prince every time…it can feel isolating.”
I can’t speak from her point of view, but I’ve also been in spaces where all I feel is isolation, based solely on my identity. Sarah and I discussed how underrepresentation never feels good, because you want to be able to see yourself. You want to be able to relate to experiences on the big screen. Sarah said that at this point “it doesn’t even cross my mind because you get so used to it…That’s why I get so excited whenever I see an inclusive book or movie. It just feels special as opposed to something that should feel so normal—and be normal.” It’s the feeling of normality that all of us truly want, and that especially includes people who want to express non-heteronormative love and see it on their screens.
How many times have we all heard “be yourself” or “be true to yourself”? My guess would be about a million times. But honestly? That really only (truly) works when you’re easily accepted into the majority of society’s rulebook of who you should and shouldn’t be. Because of this, I asked Sarah if she feels she can be true to herself, or if she has to conceal who she is? “Definitely…I’ve been formed in how I present myself by society's expectations. I’ll be open about my relationships around my friends, but I never put anything on blast. Especially with the expectation of heteronormativity, it’s always like I’m trying not to make anyone feel uncomfortable because I say I have a girlfriend.”
She says she’s sometimes “scared of weirding someone out” and doesn’t “want to overstep [her] boundaries because they might feel uncomfortable with [her] being a Queer person existing in the same space as them.”
While we still live in a society where members of the LGBTQ+ community face discrimmination, bigotry, and underrepresentation (along with homophobia, transphobia, and other forms of hatred and ignorance), Sarah told me she has learned to come to terms with who she is. She’s had to deal with internalized homophobia, but she has “accepted [herself] more and [has] become more comfortable with being out and being vocal in spaces that [she] feels underrepresented in.”
Love is love. On V-Day we eat candy hearts, exchange roses and chocolates, give hugs and kisses, go on dates with our S.O. and eat brunch with our friends all in the name of love. But as a society we don’t really (and I mean truly) celebrate all love. We can’t preach love one minute and bash it the next depending on who that love involves. By not giving LGBTQ+ people the spaces and opportunities to represent themselves in the media, their voices and experiences are being silenced. This culture of heteronormativity is not only toxic, but also historically inaccurate.
According to articles in the New York Times and NPR, Valentine’s Day actually may have originated as a celebration of homosexual love. “It's believed that the Catholic Church may have established St. Valentine's Day in order to honor these men, who they believed to be martyrs,” writes Tursha Murtaugh and Rebekah Lowinin in“The True History of Valentine's Day Might Surprise You—Here's What to Know.” “What's more, it's possible that one of these men, Saint Valentine of Terni, had been secretly officiating weddings for Roman soldiers against the emperor's wishes, making him, in some eyes, a proponent of love.” So in essence, V-Day was created as a day to celebrate love that wasn’t heteronormative.
I asked Sarah what a perfectly accepting world would look like for her. “In my perfect world, I would be in a relationship on Valentine’s Day…which is not a reality yet,” she says. “Whoever I’d be in a relationship with, I just want to feel fully accepted, fully represented in any media I watched. Or not have to worry about walking with my partner down the street, because that’s something I’ve had to worry about on dates with girls. In a perfect world, these are things that would never have to cross my mind.”
She paused before saying, “I could exist as I am.”
Original source can be found here.
Source: Lovett School
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